grateful.

It baffles me just how blessed I have been my entire life. I have literally never been in want of anything, despite desiring so many things and truly needing nothing. The best people I know are the most riddled with hardships. These people are also the strongest and most resilient. If I turn out to be half as thankful as they are, maybe I'll be fine. Goal.

cannot think.

I cannot think of a better time to write. I cannot think of a more lonely table, a more far away feeling... Getting a nicotine buzz just from breathing the air beneath my nose. They're not coming anymore. Delicate, weighted eyelids shut out the burn but not the night. There are too many lights, colors and colors of light... I can't even feel my fingertips anymore, but they're not coming anymore.

as opposed to yesterday.

Today, I jumped out of a plane in my mind. A plane hovered at the very roof of my skull. I jumped and never landed.

Today, I knotted up my shoulders. I ruined a massage. I thought about an illness that makes one's glands swell up. I felt pain.

Today, I gained an enemy. Scrunched up inside of the corner of the darkness in my body there was an enemy. I fed her cake and asked her to come in. She did. We are now enemies.

Today, I left my childhood behind. In a beautiful park with sycamore trees and clean, clean sand. I left her in a park with a dripping Popsicle in her hand and little scrapes on her knees.

Today, I fell in love. With myself. She ain't half bad.

Decide.
Commit.
Succeed.

thankful.

One of my Chapman writing professors, published author Martin Nakell, has an Iranian pen pal who is a student and aspiring writer. Recently, I found Vahid on Facebook, and connected the two men. Dr. Nakell sent the following email, which really served to put into perspective how blessed I am to be an American.

studenti --

thanks to sera, vahid got the request to be my friend on facebook. incredibly, the regime shut down facebook (as well as other sites communicating with the outside world) after the last presidential election and the riots that followed. so vahid cannot access facebook anymore.

i just got this message from vahid as well:

Some terrifying news is that they have arrested a very big number of those who were exchanging political news and spreading the events on FaceBook, too.

whew! a good thing i or we weren't on facebook with vahid after all!

'til tuesday, have a good weekend of enjoying our freedom, yes?

dr. nakell

Streets.

Let's take a walk. Look up at the clouds. Drink warm things.

[inspired by the story of an Argentinian man reunited with his son after 30 years apart - from the POV of the kidnapped mother]

There are so many things that I want to say. Thinking on vulnerability, my mind crunches down and pushes against my temples--leaving a space and building a pain. It won't think anymore. I won't think anymore. Vulnerable is weak. Have I written that before? The girl is grinding her teeth. I want to hit her so hard, until I can't tell the difference between her tears and my own. But I also want her to touch me, to lay her hand on me and not know what I am thinking when our heartbeats match heartbeats and our tears touch in a different way. But this is weakness. Have I said that before? I have sinned--unlike these men have sinned--but I have sinned nonetheless. I have felt danger in the pit of my stomach and instead of turning away, I have run toward it. Feeding another life can either feel parasitic or celestial. And I felt neither. I only felt myself, and what I believed. Now I sit here--griding teeth, breaking water, swelling anger--and I realize: I am not a vessel and this is not a temple, and my body cannot keep you safe.