Unfortunately, my "starving student" status has caught up with me, and I will no longer be able to participate in Project Ethos in September. On a lighter note, I have started classes again and am greatly optimistic about my progress toward a degree.
I think I can get excited now. I think I can start getting excited. I am a little hesitant about all of this. I think I am a little tired. A little jaded. I need a little shaking. I need someone to shake me. Correction: I need to shake myself. And get into the mindset to learn.
I can't remember if I am good at learning or not. I can't remember if it's possible for me to absorb. I've grown so accutomed to telling myself I should already know everything. I guess the conclusion is that I need to unlearn before I can learn.
Sitting here, sipping caffeine and feeling no more awake than I did before, I can see the life I'm shaping for myself. I am elated about it--I just can't display that on my ragged face. My knees squished between the legs of this tiny table, the faint remnants of a foam heart in my coffee mug, the prospect of a rejuventating nap at the end of my day.
There are so many people in my life right now. I'm starting to get that asphyxiated feeling. That overwhelming need to escape. But, since the last time I've felt this feeling, I have learned to better ground myself when it wells up inside of me. I have some wonderful people, some transient people, some people I can't quite categorize. There are so many men. Each with different and intriguing personas. Even the boring ones interest me, probably because I am grasping all around for more and more people and regretting it. Not regretting it, just seeing the perverted psychology of it all.
The mixture of basil and java creates an odd perfume in my mouth. I think I'll apply for a weekend job. I'm bored. I'm excited. I am exhausted.
seraX
I think I can get excited now. I think I can start getting excited. I am a little hesitant about all of this. I think I am a little tired. A little jaded. I need a little shaking. I need someone to shake me. Correction: I need to shake myself. And get into the mindset to learn.
I can't remember if I am good at learning or not. I can't remember if it's possible for me to absorb. I've grown so accutomed to telling myself I should already know everything. I guess the conclusion is that I need to unlearn before I can learn.
Sitting here, sipping caffeine and feeling no more awake than I did before, I can see the life I'm shaping for myself. I am elated about it--I just can't display that on my ragged face. My knees squished between the legs of this tiny table, the faint remnants of a foam heart in my coffee mug, the prospect of a rejuventating nap at the end of my day.
There are so many people in my life right now. I'm starting to get that asphyxiated feeling. That overwhelming need to escape. But, since the last time I've felt this feeling, I have learned to better ground myself when it wells up inside of me. I have some wonderful people, some transient people, some people I can't quite categorize. There are so many men. Each with different and intriguing personas. Even the boring ones interest me, probably because I am grasping all around for more and more people and regretting it. Not regretting it, just seeing the perverted psychology of it all.
The mixture of basil and java creates an odd perfume in my mouth. I think I'll apply for a weekend job. I'm bored. I'm excited. I am exhausted.
seraX
1 comment:
(disclaimer: I didn't mean to write so much, it all just flowed out naturally.)
I’m gradually becoming less naive about the world. My world view is less absolute, more ambiguous. I have found my roots: independence. I have learned over the years that the world is much too unstable to lift me from my weaknesses. I’ve learned to adapt to the point where I’m not conscious of it.
I have the potential to learn; I have learned, but my mind is currently filled with boredom. My disposition to curiosity fills my thoughts with frivolous observations. I can turn anyone into a case study, breaking their ‘self’ into micro-facets of behavior. Most people fear that; I fear it, too. The truth is hard to absorb, but I find the comfort in searching for it.
I know I should, but I don’t find closure in the fact that I’ve accomplished more with less than most people have with more. The stronger I become physically and mentally, the more egotistical I become. I worry that my genuineness will become corrupted by the world that is only looking for a quick fix.
The thought of the future is discomforting because it makes past memories that were once held with more significance less important. I know who I am; some people understand me, others have no idea. I’ve learned not to reveal myself to everyone. The story of [myself] becomes less authentic the more I disclose it, especially to those who don’t deserve to hear it.
As I mature, I realize how much I don’t want to be like my father. His bitter-heart filled with selfishness. I would imagine that my need-to-save-the-world complex is a derivative of this fact. I have been lucky enough not to experience the true unfairness of the world, but I understand it and its inevitableness.
I’m determined, but opportunity is hard to come by. I’m ambitious, but sometimes I need to remind myself to be more grounded.
I’m tired of being bored by girls that won’t challenge my thoughts and continually tell me the same bitter stories of romance. Most people don’t understand that romance is not love, but it has the potential to be; however, sometimes romance is most powerful without love. Romance is one of the most powerful and darkest array of emotions that one can experience, but it can pulse purity that embeds deep within our core essence (momentarily).
The girls that intrigue me the most don’t want me, and all the girls that want me bore me. It’s funny, not in the ‘haha’ way but in the ‘ironic” way. I don't need anyone.
But there are things that I want.
I’m passionate (more physically than emotionally). I’m intelligent. I’m creative.
I wonder how everything in life will work out.
I know I have something that is not easy to come by, I don't need to figure out what it is; I just need to be careful not to lose it. Then I will lose a core part of myself.
Out of curiosity, what do you think of me?
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