Unfortunately, my "starving student" status has caught up with me, and I will no longer be able to participate in Project Ethos in September. On a lighter note, I have started classes again and am greatly optimistic about my progress toward a degree.
I think I can get excited now. I think I can start getting excited. I am a little hesitant about all of this. I think I am a little tired. A little jaded. I need a little shaking. I need someone to shake me. Correction: I need to shake myself. And get into the mindset to learn.
I can't remember if I am good at learning or not. I can't remember if it's possible for me to absorb. I've grown so accutomed to telling myself I should already know everything. I guess the conclusion is that I need to unlearn before I can learn.
Sitting here, sipping caffeine and feeling no more awake than I did before, I can see the life I'm shaping for myself. I am elated about it--I just can't display that on my ragged face. My knees squished between the legs of this tiny table, the faint remnants of a foam heart in my coffee mug, the prospect of a rejuventating nap at the end of my day.
There are so many people in my life right now. I'm starting to get that asphyxiated feeling. That overwhelming need to escape. But, since the last time I've felt this feeling, I have learned to better ground myself when it wells up inside of me. I have some wonderful people, some transient people, some people I can't quite categorize. There are so many men. Each with different and intriguing personas. Even the boring ones interest me, probably because I am grasping all around for more and more people and regretting it. Not regretting it, just seeing the perverted psychology of it all.
The mixture of basil and java creates an odd perfume in my mouth. I think I'll apply for a weekend job. I'm bored. I'm excited. I am exhausted.
seraX
