issues.

It's an issue of believing in myself. It's an issue of loving myself just enough to never deny myself anything. I've never had a true commitment to myself. I want to be able to say that I love myself more than any other person, but in the way that this love inspires me to be the best person I can be. True self-love does not detract from any love I may have for other people. This love of self inspires others and brings me closer to those people.

Confidence is part of it. I admire women who have enough confidence in their true selves to voraciously go after what they want and to say NO to what they don't.

Dreaming is important. If I don't try, I can't succeed. Yes, I might fail, but those knee-scrapes and ego-bruises make me tough. Sometimes I worry that my dreams are "irrelevant" or something equally vague. My dreams are just as important as anyone else's.

Self-esteem is not the pinnacle, as many would think. Self-love and self-esteem are too separate entities. I do want to hold myself in esteem, as it were, but I need that initial realization that I am worth it. Right now, I feel that hard work is the only path to this end.

Keeping an optimistic view of my own future and the futures of those around me, I am ready to step forward--even onto the thinnest of ice.

settle.

stretching the muscles behind my eyes. looking around for something real. the life. the lies. the neverending struggle. all vanish with a whisper of hope. with good things on the horizon. strong things. beautiful things. heavy things. there's nothing to do but hope. seconds minutes hours days wasted on negativity and child's games. but there's no regret. rebuilding is easier than before. you are stronger than before. more radiant than before. the glass reflects a goodness and a light. too bring for now. beautiful nonetheless. where's the dark? where have your demons gone? quickly turn and see their retreat. smile. and make people ask why you are smiling.

new leaf.

a big pair of fingers picked me up by the shirt collar and set me on the sidelines of my own life. then, i realized that i could simply... stand up and join the race. it's bigger than me, and not just literally. i've learned from my mistakes. it's bigger than me. i need to keep learning from my mistakes. it's bigger than me. i will keep learning. shadows can stretch much farther than they do at dusk when the sun goes down. i'll see my path. illuminated, but not by sunshine. that big pair of fingers, i think, must know of a big light switch. a big sunlight switch. it seems that time's only moving. slowly. but towards nothing. blurring your vision so that doesn't seem true, it's all you can do... i expect to be put ondisplat at any moment now. to look down and see the edge of a beautiful gold-leaf frame and below that a plaque imprinted with "la insistencia de la memoria" and below that a pair of organic hemp sandals attached to a pair of hairy feet and strong legs heaped in soft clothes headed by a face with wondering eyes. but he doesn't see me. and that's fine. this is my secret place.

untitled.

it's funny when i sift through old writings and other people's lyrics and blogs and books and whatever else my eyes can devour to try and find the truth that already lies in my own brain. writing the truth that's inside of me is so excrutiating. writing the feelings that fester in my heart and in my head is so painful. it's such a different kind of hurt. it's a thud and an ache i've never felt before. it's a pressure on my body on my soul. i see this beautiful crying girl in the mirror and i want to shatter her face. but i'm already broken. and she's already gone.