issues.

It's an issue of believing in myself. It's an issue of loving myself just enough to never deny myself anything. I've never had a true commitment to myself. I want to be able to say that I love myself more than any other person, but in the way that this love inspires me to be the best person I can be. True self-love does not detract from any love I may have for other people. This love of self inspires others and brings me closer to those people.

Confidence is part of it. I admire women who have enough confidence in their true selves to voraciously go after what they want and to say NO to what they don't.

Dreaming is important. If I don't try, I can't succeed. Yes, I might fail, but those knee-scrapes and ego-bruises make me tough. Sometimes I worry that my dreams are "irrelevant" or something equally vague. My dreams are just as important as anyone else's.

Self-esteem is not the pinnacle, as many would think. Self-love and self-esteem are too separate entities. I do want to hold myself in esteem, as it were, but I need that initial realization that I am worth it. Right now, I feel that hard work is the only path to this end.

Keeping an optimistic view of my own future and the futures of those around me, I am ready to step forward--even onto the thinnest of ice.

mute.

my body's straining from sleep deprivation and now my eyes are straining in this horrid 6am light... it was like a movie. the timing, i mean. i had settled on my back, face and palms up, eyes painfully stuck open. i fixed the earbuds on either side of my brain. my finger hovered over the button and-- he speaks her name. my stupid heart stops and curiosity overtake the need to sleep. once again... i am vastly incapable of remaining content with myself. i asked him in my head" do you ever feel like you know exactly what and how you think but the next minute you're more lost than when you began?" or was it something more meaningful... i catch that glimpse and i feel swimming in the warmth of childhood. but i can't tell if i'm dreaming. can't tell if my brain is so over-active as to make my eyes believe they had seen a sign of love... and still-- i smile. i smile so hard my brain hurts. happiness-pain is the stuff of real love. and i can see i'll be just fine.

3.8.08

three simple words have echoed throughout my life.

when it was happening, it was painless.

when it was happening, i was silent.

after, i saw that he had stitched into me a part that was missing.

he had used a needle with ink for thread
and had sewn into the fabric of my skin.
my neck. because my neck holds my head holds my thoughts holds myself.
the neck is the heart of the spine.

three words that have followed and lead me.

now they only reside deeper in my life.

it will be a part of me forever.
and that's what everyone says. like it's a bad thing.

i cherish it.