rest.

i feel like i'm continually one step behind myself
with every sip of caffeine I feel more and more sluggish
food doesn't give me energy it weighs me down like a rock in Greasy Lake

this perpetual ache in the pit of me eats away at the lining of my stomache
it doesn't burn it rolls rolls around inside of me threatening to throw itself out of me

he said "home" and asked what i saw in my head
i said "besides the migraine?"
he wanted me to say my childhood house or where my mom is
i just saw The Cottage
i think i'll only ever see a cottage
i think i'll only ever see a place that's never been mine

by Mark Twain

"After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."

the wall. of words.

Unfortunately, my "starving student" status has caught up with me, and I will no longer be able to participate in Project Ethos in September. On a lighter note, I have started classes again and am greatly optimistic about my progress toward a degree.

I think I can get excited now. I think I can start getting excited. I am a little hesitant about all of this. I think I am a little tired. A little jaded. I need a little shaking. I need someone to shake me. Correction: I need to shake myself. And get into the mindset to learn.

I can't remember if I am good at learning or not. I can't remember if it's possible for me to absorb. I've grown so accutomed to telling myself I should already know everything. I guess the conclusion is that I need to unlearn before I can learn.

Sitting here, sipping caffeine and feeling no more awake than I did before, I can see the life I'm shaping for myself. I am elated about it--I just can't display that on my ragged face. My knees squished between the legs of this tiny table, the faint remnants of a foam heart in my coffee mug, the prospect of a rejuventating nap at the end of my day.

There are so many people in my life right now. I'm starting to get that asphyxiated feeling. That overwhelming need to escape. But, since the last time I've felt this feeling, I have learned to better ground myself when it wells up inside of me. I have some wonderful people, some transient people, some people I can't quite categorize. There are so many men. Each with different and intriguing personas. Even the boring ones interest me, probably because I am grasping all around for more and more people and regretting it. Not regretting it, just seeing the perverted psychology of it all.

The mixture of basil and java creates an odd perfume in my mouth. I think I'll apply for a weekend job. I'm bored. I'm excited. I am exhausted.

seraX

NEWS: seraphotography's September LIVE Exhibition

I am so incredibly overwhelmed by my acceptance into the Project Ethos 2008 Los Angeles exhibition!! More updates to come...

by Maya Angelou.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she
never wants to or needs to
Something perfect to wear, if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an
hour
A youth she's content to leave behind
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra
One friend who always makes her laugh—and one who lets her cry
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored
A feeling of control over her destiny
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love without losing herself
How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend, without ruining the
relationship
When to try harder and when to walk away
That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her
parents
That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over
What she would and wouldn't do for love or more
How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it
Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally
Where to go—be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming Inn in the woods—
when her soul needs soothing
What she can—and can’t—accomplish in a day, a month, and a year

settle.

stretching the muscles behind my eyes. looking around for something real. the life. the lies. the neverending struggle. all vanish with a whisper of hope. with good things on the horizon. strong things. beautiful things. heavy things. there's nothing to do but hope. seconds minutes hours days wasted on negativity and child's games. but there's no regret. rebuilding is easier than before. you are stronger than before. more radiant than before. the glass reflects a goodness and a light. too bring for now. beautiful nonetheless. where's the dark? where have your demons gone? quickly turn and see their retreat. smile. and make people ask why you are smiling.

NEWS: seraphotography's July Exhibition

My work has once again had the honor of being featured in one of Projekt30's online exhibitions! Check out the JulyExhibition to see some amazing work from 30 different artists. To purchase my work or send me a message, visit my member page. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you who voted for me!

sera X